What to expect in 2016


What might happen in the next six months. Or not.

April

15: Yankees lose to Seattle, making seven losses in their first 10. Presidential candidate Donald Trump, in attendance and asked for a reaction, calls the Yankees “losers.”

20: Bryce Harper hits seventh home run in April. Manager Dusty Baker says he’s not sure “where his team would be without Royce’s hot start.”

28: It’s Take Your Kid to Work Day. White Sox vice president Kenny Williams tells the team’s players the kids are welcome in the clubhouse but to make sure they don’t stay too long.

30: Alex Rodriguez goes 0-for-4, finishes April homerless and hitting just .125, and says he might retire by the All-Star break.

May

1: A-Rod hits two homers to lead Yankees to a win over Red Sox and says he may play until he’s 50 or hits 900 home runs, whichever comes first.

5: Donald Trump drops out of the Republican primary to buy the Yankees,. who are off to a 13-13 start. “We’re going to make the Yankees great again,” Trump pronounces. He’s asked how. “Trades,” says Trump. “We’re making horrible deals. We don’t win anymore. We don’t beat the Red Sox in trade. We don’t beat the Blue Jays in trade. Japan has better players. South Korea has better players.”

11: Goose Gossage decries the use of Ipads in major league dugouts. “When I played,” said Gossage, “we got our information through week-old Sporting Newses. If that was good enough for Billy Martin, it should be good enough for today’s geniuses.”

12: Bryce Harper, who wore a hat on Opening Day that said “Make Baseball Fun Again, wears one in the clubhouse that says: “Make Goose Gossage fun again.”

15: On 75th anniversary of the day Joe DiMaggio began his 56-game hitting streak, current Yankee centerfielder Jacoby Ellsbury goes 2-for-4. “Only 55 more to go,” write one New York wag.

18: Ellsbury hits safely for three games before going 0-for-4 at Arizona. Press corps pronounces DiMaggio’s streak safe for another year.

June

6: Aroldis Chapman walks two, gives up a game-winning double to Mike Trout and the Yankees lose to the Angels. Trump says he knows why: sweating. “He was soaking wet,” said Trump. “I thought he came out of a swimming pool. Trout is like Putin. We can’t deal with him with someone who sweats like that. Winners don’t sweat like that.” One writer says that would explain Patrick Ewing’s failure to win an NBA title for the Knicks. “There’s no celebration,” he says, “if there’s too much perspiration.”

26: Pete Rose inducted into Reds’ Hall of Fame. Rose wants to know if the statue the Reds are building of him can be reduced to scrap so he can autograph the pieces and sell them for memorabilia.

28: Alex Rodriguez hits 700th career home run against Texas at Yankee Stadium, gets the ball from the fan only in return for the phone numbers of the model and her friend A-Rod secured while the Yankees were losing Game 1 of the 2012 ALCS.

July

3: Braves move game vs. Marlins to Fort Bragg and play before a full house of 12,000-plus. One wag says it’ll be the Braves’ only sellout of the season. No truth to the rumor standing-room space is empty because 500 soldiers opted for immediate deployment overseas instead of Braves-Marlins.

10: Bryce Harper finishes the first half of the season with 27 homers, 64 RBIs amd a .327 average. Says manager Dusty Baker: “Bruce is the MVP of the league.”

15: David Ortiz hits three home runs to lead the Red Sox over the Yankees at Yankee Stadium. “We’re going to build a wall in right field,” says Trump, “and we’re going to make the Red Sox pay for it. Either we have a stadium or we don’t.”

24: Ken Griffey Jr. and Mike Piazza inducted into Hall of Fame. Griffey thanks his parents, then reminds dad that 437 ballots were cast for Junior, or 415 more than for Senior in 1997, his only year on the ballot.

August

1: Dusty Baker says he’s called Bryce Harper by the wrong first name for the final time. “From here on,” Baker says, “he’s just old number 33.” Writers look at each other, unsure who’s going to point out to Baker that Harper is No. 34.

7: Marlins announce they’re watching the innings pitched of Jose Fernandez. One writer suggest that should make former Fernandez antagonist Brian McCann happy since he doesn’t want Fernandez to have too much fun; another responds that he’s with the Marlins, so how much fun could he be having.

8: Goose Gossage cites Fernandez and decries the babying of pitchers today and says: “I was a teammate of Tommy John’s. I saved his wins. If Tommy John surgery was good enough for Tommy John, it should be good enough for today’s pitchers.”

31: Rays honor David Ortiz in his final game at the Trop, and give him a lifetime supply of the “over-the-counter supplements and vitamins” Ortiz said caused him to test positive on a drug test in 2003.

September

12: Thundershowers rain out Yankees’ game vs. Dodgers with Trump in attendance. “It rained so hard,” Trump says, “I thought Little Marco was here.”

21: White Sox staggering home to another sub-.500 finish and broadcaster Ken Harrelson announces this will be his final season. “You can put it on the board!” shouts Hawk. More like “You can put it on the bored,” says one cynic.

28: Blue Jays clinch AL East, ahead of Yankees, who earn wild card. Trump tweets out congratulations to Ted Cruz.

29: Yankees honor Ortiz in his last game at Yankee Stadium and invite former Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo, who dabbles as a musician, to play. Instead of performing Take Me Out to the Ball Game, as Bernie Williams did at Derek Jeter’s last game in Fenway Park, Arroyo plays Ludacris’ Slap and dedicates it to Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod shrugs, just as he did when called out for knocking the ball from Arroyo’s glove in Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS.

October

2: David Ortiz Day feted on his last home game at Fenway Park. “This is my f—— day,” Ortiz says.

8: On 60th anniversary of Don Larsen’s perfect game, Michael Pineda starts for wild-card Yankees in Game 3 of the ALDS vs. the Royals and is knocked out in the third inning. “Sixty years after Don Larsen,” starts one story the next day, “Michael Pineda pitched the imperfect game.”

28: Mets beat Blue Jays in the World Series and Yoenis Cespedes and Noah Syndergaard ride Cespedes’ horses down Broadway. Mayor Bill de Blasio OKs the horses and suspends the pooper scooper law. Horses make a mess. Ted Cruz calls it an example of “New York values,” and Trump says, “This is what happens when you put the Democrats and the Mets in charge of New York.”

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s