What may or may not happen in the rest of the 2012 season:
12: Cuban-Americans picket new Marlins Park to protest Ozzie Guillen’s comments that he “loves Fidel Castro.” Says Ozzie in his apology: “Fidel? Did I say Fidel? I meant Starlin Castro. I love Starlin Castro. Great young shortstop. Reminds me of . . . me.”
15: PETA shows up at Marlins Park to protest Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen’s comments that he hopes the “dolphins” in the aquarium “drown” in reaction to the special effects after Marlins’ home runs, and that he doesn’t know what kind of fish are in the aquarium. PETA protesters say dolphins are mammals and the manager of the Marlins should know that. It’s explained to PETA that Ozzie is manager of a baseball team, not the marlins in the aquarium. Says Ozzie: “I wish I was the manager of fish, not players. Then we might get them trained. Like the fish at Sea World.”
17: Forty-nine year-old Jamie Moyer beats Padres, becomes oldest winning pitcher in baseball history. Top pitch is clocked at 79 mph, or 4 mph slower than the top speed registered by a fan behind the stands. Says Moyer: “I have four speeds: Slow, slower, slowest and reverse.”
20: Red Sox lose to Yankees 11-2 on 100th anniversary of the opening of Fenway Park, which came just five days after the sinking of the Titanic. Loss is Boston’s 11th in 13 games. Writes a Boston sportswriter: “The only think sinking faster than the Titanic 100 years later is the hopes of Red Sox fans.”
4: Jamie Moyer beats Braves for third win of year. Former Mariners teammate Gil Meche announces he’s unretiring, inspired by Moyer. “I’m younger and throw harder,” says Meche.
13: Mothers Against Drunk Driving pickets Marlins Park, saying Ozzie Guillen’s comments glorify drinking: “I go to the hotel bar, get drunk, sleep. I don’t do anything else. I get drunk because I’m happy we win or I get drunk because I’m very sad and disturbed because we lose.” Ozzie apologizes, then says he’s feeling melancholy and needs a drink. A Miami sportswriter says the Marlins have almost as many Ozzie apologies as wins.
21: Mets beat Pirates to improve record to 21-11. Lenny Dykstra sends word from California prison cell he hopes to be out in time to throw out the first ball at a playoff game in October. For a fee. Says a Mets official: “He’s not invited. There’s a better chance of Bernie Madoff throwing out the first ball.”
28: Red Sox arrive at Memorial Day with 18-30 record. Having banned beer in the clubhouse during spring training, manager Bobby Valentine bans fried chicken.
1: George Will interrupts ABC This Week host George Stephanopoulos and says it’s time to talk about the recall. Stephanopoulos says he was getting to Governor Scott Walker and the election in Wisconsin. Will winces. “Much more important recall than that, George,” Will says. “The recall of Bryce Harper by the Nationals. Could change Washington like nothing since the British burned the White House in the War of 1812.”
9: Moyer beats Angels for sixth win of the year. Former Orioles teammate Mike Mussina announces he’s unretiring, inspired by Moyer. “I’m younger and throw harder,” said Mussina, “and I’m getting to 300 wins before he does.”
22: After big increase in attendance in April and May, Marlins crowds drop in June. Marlins official attributes it to lack of winning and lack of protesters.
8: Red Sox finish first half of season with another loss to Yankees, are 29-37 and double-figures behind first-place Rays. Manager Bobby Valentine announces he’s banning video games from the clubhouse.
15: Moyer beats Phillies for ninth win of the year. Former Rangers teammate Kenny Rogers unretires, also citing Moyer as inspiration. “I’m younger and throw harder,” said Rogers, “and there’s no money to count anymore.”
22: Pete Rose is in Cooperstown for the Hall of Fame induction of former Red Barry Larkin. Rose reminds all who will listen he was Larkin’s first manager with the Reds in 1986. Said Rose: “I would have bet anything even then Barry would be here today.” Conversation turns to Jamie Moyer, who like Larkin, was a rookie in ’86. “Never batted against him,” Rose says. “Wish I had. I’d have 4,258 hits. Pitched against us once that year. Beat us 3-2. We left nine guys on base, hit into two double plays. Should have killed him — he throws harder now than he did then.” Interrupts a reporter: “How could you remember so well a game from 26 years ago and then forget the first rule of baseball: Don’t bet?” Said Rose: “Double or nothing.”
7: Twins lose to Cleveland to fall 20 games under .500. Catcher Joe Mauer, hitting .272 with seven home runs, calls FSU football coach Jimbo Fisher to ask if it’s too late to use that scholarship offer from 2001. Fisher says he’ll look at some film and get back to him.
13: Moyer beats Brewers for 13th win of the year. Greg Maddux, a teammate on Moyer’s very first Cubs team in 1986, announces a comeback, saying he’s younger and throws harder than Moyer, and he’s bringing pitching coach/brother Mike with him.
24: Red Sox lose to Royals to fall season-low 18 games under .500. Manager Bobby Valentine announces he’s banning pitchers from the clubhouse.
10: Moyer beats Giants for 15th win of year. Barry Bonds announces his intention to unretire, citing all the old pitchers coming back. Said Bonds: “I won’t need PEDs to hit these guys.”
25. Attending a game in the battleground state of Pennsylvania, Republican nominee Mitt Romney is asked if he’s a baseball fan. “Yes,” he says, “though not as much as some of my friends who are . . . fantasy team owners. OK. Baseball team owners. Some of my staff are fantasy team owners.”
3: Albert Pujols and Angels win AL West on final day of season; Pujols finishes at or near career numbers: .325 average, 38 homers, 122 RBIs. At post-game celebration Pujols introduces his new agent, lawyer Tony La Russa, who immediately announces Pujols wants to renegotiate.
27: Rays finish World Series win over Diamondbacks. Celebration culminates at Tropicana Field, which is one-third empty, as it was for most of the playoffs. Of those attending, one-third are Rays fans, one-third are Red Sox fans happy the Yankees didn’t win and one-third are Yankees’ fans happy the Red Sox didn’t win. City officials remind the Rays to be done by 4 p.m., so fans won’t be late for Early Bird Specials.